Always and Forever
by crusheddreams
Summary: Crosses of diary entries and Junior Higher, Hoshiko Tanaka's life. A story telling of her hardships and struggles, I guess. Love life, family issues, problems at school, etc.
1. Chapter One: Uphill Struggle

5/14  
Life is hard. My parents have almost no time for me, because they're always fighting...but when they do have time, they don't spend it having fun with me...It's just some extra time to scream and yell. Most definitely unpleasant for our neighbors, but....  
I've got no friends at school...I don't even know half the people in my classes, but they hate me anyway...I've asked Mom if I can switch schools, but she wont let me. The people there are absolutely cruel. They throw food at me, kick pinecones...some students threaten me.  
I'm in junior high by the way, so you're probably thinking that this is just a joke. How can junior high be hard, anyway, and for an only child? Everyone thinks that only children always get what they want, and end up spoiled, bratty, self-centered, and selfish. That's bullshit.  
My someone will never know how I feel until I confess to him, but I don't have any courage...I've seen other people do it with ease, and it makes me so jealous...Keiji is so hard to read. I don't think I'll ever know if he loves me, or someone else until I see her for myself...

"Hoshiko, get ready for school. You'll be late!"

Hoshiko groans, and shoves her diary and pencil in her old black messenger bag. She slides off of her bed, into her ruined shoes— she never bothered to actually put them on, so the heels were permanently bent inward.

"Mom, have you seen my hairbrush? It's been missing for days," she calls back.

Her mother takes no interest, having already returned to arguing with her father.

Hoshiko sighs, and steps in front of the mirror in her room. Her long, black, messy braids from the previous day have some hair sticking out awkwardly from sleep. She quickly tugs out the hair ties, and combs her fingers through her hair. She looks at the clock, and it's already five minutes past the time she normally leaves for school. Slightly panicked, she returns to her reflection in the mirror.

"I look like the bride of Frankenstein!" she whimpers, and pulls her hair back into a ponytail.

Hoshiko bolts out of her bedroom, and leaves the house, slamming the door behind her.

It's a cold, rainy morning, and a thick fog floats on the air. A chilly, wintry breeze whips Hoshiko's face as she heads to school. She shivers, and jams her small hands into the front pocket of her dark grey pullover sweater.

In a few minutes, she reaches the school; her house is conveniently close to the Junior High.

"Hey, Shorty! How are you?" a voice calls out through the mist.

Hoshiko freezes. She knows that the person who called out to her is never alone, and that if she doesn't get to her classroom soon, the day wont start pleasantly. She begins to walk again, speeding up her pace.

"HEY!"

She hears several pairs of shoes against the ground as the students behind her run after her.

Refusing to look back, she breaks into a run, but falls backward as the girl grabs her by the hood of her sweater.

"I thought I said—" the girl begins.

"What's going on?" a teacher shouts.

"Oh, sorry, Mrs. Kohler...We're just rehearsing part of our play for the drama class," the girl lies, hiding behind a cheerful smile.

"Well, let's see, then," she says, unconvinced.

The first bell rings.

Mrs. Kohler sighs. "You girls better get to your first period classes."

"Alright. Bye Mrs. Kohler!" says one of the girl's friends, as she pulls Hoshiko off of the ground.


	2. Chapter Two: Buring Anger

Chapter Two

5/17  
Today's my birthday...but Mom and Dad don't even remember. The friends I do have, however (they all go to a private school) wished me a happy birthday. In spite of their cheerfulness, I doubt this will be a happy birthday for me...  
In orchestra, Mrs. Christie had everybody play "Happy Birthday" on their instruments...How embarrassing...But she's a great teacher, so I don't mind as much. Keiji wished me a happy birthday too! Yay! J The main conflict in this whole thing is Amber. She likes him too, and it's really obvious. I don't feel I've got a chance against her...She's one of the best in the orchestra (in my opinion), she's the most beautiful thing God put in this planet, she's friendly, and she's in all of his classes, if not at least the same grade. I'm a year younger than him, by the way.

Hoshiko closes her diary and hops out of the tree in her front yard. It's a sunny Thursday afternoon, and the birds' chirps ring out clearly. She flinches in disgust at the bright scene, and walks into her house.

Another heated argument echoes in Hoshiko's ears as she slips past the kitchen, into her room at the end of the hall. She leans with her back to her bedroom door and listens intently.

"I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES, NEVER DO THAT! EVER!!" Hoshiko's father screams.

"DAMMIT, I—" her mother is cut off by a slap across her face.

"SHUT UP!" There's a slight pause, and the sound of a knife being drawn from one of the drawers can be heard. "YOU WANT THIS IN YOUR GUT?"

A soft, frightened whimper escapes from her mother's mouth. Hoshiko gasps, and her eyes widen. She feels as if she no longer knows her father.

"DO YOU?!" the stranger repeats loudly.

"NO!" her mother yells through sobs. She can hear her collapse to the ground, onto the hard, wooden floor.

Though extremely scared, Hoshiko bursts out of her room. She runs around, in front of her mother, face tear-streaked.

"NO, DAD!" she shrieks.

Her father stares blankly ahead, jaw slightly dropped, anger fading from his face. The knife slips out of his hand and falls to the floor with a clatter.

"Hoshiko...go to your room," he orders, more calmly.

"But—"

"GO NOW!"

Reluctantly, Hoshiko moves out of her mother's way, and rushes into her room, holding back tears.

5/17  
Dad was threatening to kill Mom...They were fighting again, but this time, I was actually scared. They scared me a lot when I was younger, but I got used to it, eventually. Now I feel like a little kid all over again. All of this is so frightening...I wish I could turn to Keiji, but I can't...And I realize, I really do have no one. My friends never really talk to me anymore...Whether it be an indecision on a topic online, or they just chose not to respond. How silly to think they cared...I wish everything would just be perfect...

A while later, Hoshiko hears her father yell something more, a door slam shut, and her mother's weeping.

"H...honey...?" her mother calls through the door.

"Yeah, Mom?"

"Umm..." She sounds troubled, and still shaken. "Daddy decided to leave home," she says quietly, then runs.

_I've never seen Mom act like that..._

5/17  
Dad left home, just five minutes ago...Why am I always in such a mess? This whole world is a mess. Why do people even live on it anymore? People lie...They cheat, steal, and murder. Everyone is careless. People that live wonderful, meaningful lives just die because someone wasn't watching the road well enough. What a waste. I wonder where Dad will go...I wonder why he and Mom lived together for so long...(sobbing) Plain and simple, life sucks ass. I hate it. I think all that matters to me anymore is Keiji...everything else is just...meaningless to me now.


	3. Chapter Three: Shattered Down

Chapter Three

5/18  
I feel as cold inside, as the winter air around me...It's about 7:35 right now, so school starts in 10 minutes. I kinda just decided to pull this out, cuz I don't have anything else to do. First period (orchestra) and sixth period (Japanese) are the only classes I see Keiji in...Sometimes I see him in the halls during passing time. I love him so much, but I hardly know why...I think I'm just desperate to be loved, because I've been hurt so many times. Last time, I was deceived...He tricked me. And it hurt...But this time...

"Ohmigawd, he said yes!" a voice squeaks out in delight.

Hoshiko looks up.

"Who? Huh?" asks another person, catching up from behind to talk to the squealing girl.

"Keiji! He said he'd go out with me!"

"No way, are you serious?" The voices faded as they turned the corner.

Tears well up in Hoshiko's eyes. Why does everything turn out like this? With a trembling hand, she returns to her diary.

(_diary_)  
This time...Isn't much different. Seeing now, he told some other girl he would go out with her...

The first bell interrupts her entry. She closes the book and slips it into her messenger bag, getting up and walking to her orchestra class in complete misery.

Half-sobbing, Hoshiko just tries to make it through the class without making eye contact with Keiji.

_Just a few more seconds..._

"Okay, class, don't forget, we have a concert next Tuesday!" Mrs. Christie smiled, as she held open the door for the students.

In the orchestra, no one seems to push or shove to get into the halls...Hoshiko makes sure her teacher doesn't see her crying, as she's always been the kind of person to ask what was wrong. Half way out the door...

...And into the halls. She was safe.

"Hoshiko, is something wrong?"

She flinches. _Oh...shit..._ She thinks to herself, as she turns to face Keiji.

"No, I'm fine," she lies. "I just...I got a bit of dust in my eyes before I reached the orchestra room."

"And it was bothering you the whole period?" he says, seeing past the lie.

"YES!" Hoshiko screams, and runs to the protection of her next class.

Hoshiko is dreading her sixth period class...She knows he cares enough about her to at least ask what's wrong when she's upset, and she wont be able to escape this next time. Not even after school. She doesn't ride the bus home, so she'll have to walk pretty fast to get away, if she can.

_Two more minutes of passing time...Don't end it, don't end it, please_, she begs to no one.

The bell rings, and she steps inside.

Mrs. Kohler watches the clock, as the last few seconds of school tick away slowly...

"Class dismissed. I hope you all have a fantastic weekend!"

Hoshiko walks quickly out of the classroom.

_My parents hate each other, I have no friends, everyone is mean to me, people don't accept me, Keiji...You have a girlfriend now, don't make it worse, please don't talk...to..._

"Hoshiko!"

She quickens her pace into a run, but Keiji grabs Hoshiko by her wrist. Her baggy sleeves fly up in her attempt to run, and he stares, almost in horror, at her forearm until the sleeves fall back down. He pulls her into his arms for a second, then releases her. They sit down on the grass outside.

"I'm sorry if I upset you after first period...I'll quit prying...But...I have a question," he tells her.

"Yeah...?"

"Do you have someone you like?"

Hoshiko's insides freeze up. "Y...yes, I do..." She looks at the ground.

"How...does he make you feel when you see him?"

"I feel really happy...and with stuff that goes on in life, I feel like...his gaze warms my heart. But...if he has someone else he loves...it'll hurt a lot, because I'll do anything for him, to the point of death."

**_Your_**_ gaze...your gaze..._

"Oh..." he says, completely oblivious to what she was trying to imply.

Keiji suddenly seems far away, deep in thought.

"...Keiji?"

"I'm sorry to have kept you. Will your parents be angry?"

She cringes. "It's fine. I don't think so."

"'Kay, then...See you tomorrow."

"Bye..."

Sinking back, deep into his mind, Keiji returns to the distant look as he walks away. 


	4. Chapter Four: Secrets

5/18  
Why did Keiji have to get a girlfriend? Everything is going wrong...For the first time, I tried to indirectly tell him how I feel, but he didn't catch on. He seemed really distant...Hmm. I've got nothing left now...Maybe it would just be easier if I killed myself. I've never mentioned it before, because I was afraid someone would find my diary unattended and read it, but...I know it wouldn't hurt to slit my wrists. I started cutting myself half-way through junior high. That's why I don't wear short sleeves anymore. I used to just cut the first layer of skin on my fingertips until all ten of my fingers were rough from the small cuts. Actually, it tickled, which I found strange. Then I used an exacto knife. I still used it when I moved to my wrist, and even then, the cuts were still only one layer of skin. Later, it got to the point of bleeding, and I was using a box cutter. I didn't have much room on my wrist, so I moved to my arm. It doesn't hurt to use a box cutter, for some reason...You don't feel a thing. I tried stopping once, because I wanted the scars to fade as much as possible before summer, but that only made it worse, and when I started again, I was cutting more than my arm. I totaled over seventy cuts on my wrist, arm, stomach, and legs, but I've slowed down a ton. After everything now, I've got twenty fairly new cuts on my arm...  
Also, when I got home, I wrote a poem;  
I call it "Always and Forever."  
You dont love me  
You dont care  
And I'm sure you'd  
Rather share  
Your love, your heart  
With some other girl,  
Though if I could,  
I'd give you the world  
You were my life,  
My strength, my will to go on,  
But now, I see,  
And my hopes are gone  
I let my guard drop,  
I let myself believe  
That this might be right, and  
It was me that I deceived  
I loved your hair,  
I loved your clothes,  
I loved your eyes,  
And I'm the only one that knows  
That it was all a waste,  
And to myself, I've lied  
I've loved for nothing,  
And the tears I've cried  
Will not erase  
The pain and sorrow  
Not today,  
And not tomorrow  
Not now,  
And not ever  
But I will love you,  
Always and forever

"Hoshiko..." Her mother knocks on the door.

"Yeh?" She shoves her diary and pencil under her pillow.

"Can I talk to you?" she asks, in the small voice she inherited when Hoshiko's father left home.

"Sure."

"Your cousin, Ai."

Ai is Hoshiko's cousin, and closest friend. He's about seventeen, and Hoshiko has always looked up to him. Ai had left for the war, four months ago, and it makes her sad to be so far away from him.

"What about him?" she demands anxiously.

"He...he...I've just been told, he was killed and...I'm so sorry, Hoshiko!" she chokes out through tears, then leaves.

5/18  
No...This has to be an awful nightmare...It can't be real...(crying) Ai was killed in the war, and...Why can't I wake up? Wake up...Wake up...This can't be happening...(sobs) I just wish I would die already...****


	5. Chapter Five: Silent Farewell

Chapter Five

5/19  
I've had enough. After Tuesday's concert, after I look Keiji in the eye one last time, I'm done. I don't want to live this life anymore, so I'll take it from myself...Everyone says, "Oh, suicide is so cowardly and selfish," without a second thought. Cowardly. Can you imagine slitting your wrists, then watching all the blood spill out onto the floor, watch the room spin and fade to black without fear? Sure, it is selfish, but so is wanting someone to live, wanting to _control_ their life. Neither one is quite fair...Neither one is more or less selfish than the other. That's how I see it, anyway.

"Hoshiko, it's 7:25...You better get to school soon."

"No school, Mom...It's Saturday."

"Right...okay. Sorry."

5/19  
Mom's a complete mess. She can't think straight anymore, not since a couple days ago, when Dad left home. She poured chocolate syrup all over her rice last night and nearly ate the first bite without a glance. I don't know how she'll manage when I'm gone...She can't cook worth crap anymore, everything's just...blah...  
I'm a mess, but not quite so careless as Mom. I can't get Keiji off my mind, not since yesterday morning. I wont ever be able to stop loving him, and I should have known it would turn out this way...But I can't help it. I'm young and stupid. If I can only see him and me together in my dreams, I wish it upon myself to never wake again.

Hoshiko slams her diary shut and flings it across the room in frustration. She throws her pencil upward so that it sticks in the ceiling, the eraser pointing downward. She gets up off her bed and sits at the desk in front of the computer in her bedroom. Pulling open Microsoft Word, she types up a poem:

_The thoughts in my mind  
__Had settled like dust  
__I knew it was a long shot,  
__But with my heart, I'd trust  
__That you'd be the True,  
__The Light, the One  
__I gave it my all,  
__But now I'm done  
__I knew it would be  
__One way or the other,  
__And whether you choose me,  
__Or another,  
__I would always love you,  
__And I would always care,  
__Though the pain was great,  
__And the bliss just wasn't there  
__My hopes were pretty high,  
__But it didn't turn out right,  
__And it's more than I can bear;  
__You and her, just the sight  
__Without you, I'm nothing  
__A shadow, soft and weak  
__And the pain I feel  
__Is too great to speak  
__So closing my eyes,  
__Breathing in deep,  
__I'm taking my own life,  
__And the memory of me...I pray you'll keep_


	6. Chapter Six: Bleeding Sorrow

Chapter Six

5/20  
It's 10:00 PM now, and I also managed to slip the poem into Keiji's backpack at school, without him noticing. Since we don't need our backpacks for the orchestra concert, I figured I should just do it today. Now I've just got to hope he wont tell anyone about it.

Hoshiko's mother knocks on the door.

"What is it?" she questions.

"Did...did you write this? The thoughts in my mind—" she begins.

"No! No, I didn't. Sorry if I scared you, it's one I found on the internet." She flinches, as she lies to another person she holds close to her heart.

"But it's your writing style..." her mother argues.

"God, Mom...I'm not the only person in the world with that type of writing style." She forces the nervousness out of her voice.

"I'm sorry...Guess I'm just a bit paranoid. Everything's so wrong..."

"It's alright...I know."

"Okay, then...You better get some sleep. Your concert's tomorrow."

"Mm-hmm..." Hoshiko pulls the covers over her head as her mother's footsteps fade away.

5/20  
The concert's over...Keiji is off in the corner, talking to his girlfriend. I'm writing this from a row of empty seats in the audience...This is awkward...I kind of want to make sure he knows how I feel before I go...But I can't with his girlfriend there. Guess I'll just have to live with it. Nothing I can do anyway, so...Goodbye.

Hoshiko stands up, and puts the diary in her purse, also checking to make sure she still has the box cutter.

Keiji's eyes wander, meeting Hoshiko's glistening stare. She runs out of the auditorium, and into the girl's bathroom.

The sound of his voice, "Hold on, I'll be right back," and the soft sound of his footsteps as he runs fill Hoshiko's world, as he runs after her. He knew. She runs faster, and turns the corner, intentionally passing the first bathroom.

In the next hall, she slams the door behind her. Hoshiko puts her foot, flexed upward, where the door and doorframe meet. In past experiences, this always kept someone out better than using her hands.

She pulls out the box cutter, breath held back. Before she can do anything, she hears Keiji pound his fists on the door.

"Hoshiko, open up! Please!" he shouts.

"Keiji, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry....I love you," Hoshiko whispers, but too quietly for Keiji to hear.

Without wasting a second more, she pulls the blade down, hard and fast across her wrist. Blood spills out instantly, pouring all over the floor. Some leaks out under the crack between the door and the ground. With each heartbeat, the blood flows faster.

"Stop...Hoshiko, PLEASE STOP!" he cries out.

Hoshiko slides away from the door, and Keiji pushes it open. Frantic, Keiji tugs off his pullover jacket, and wraps it around Hoshiko's wrist and arm.

As he drags her onto his lap while calling for an ambulance on his cell phone, Hoshiko feels as if she's falling, slowly, slowly, as the room dims.


	7. Chapter Seven: Imprinted Mistakes

Chapter Seven

Hoshiko's eyes flutter open, and she finds herself in the hospital. She can hear her mother's muffled cries from another room, and looks up to see Keiji.

"Why didn't you let me die?" she asks.

"Hoshiko..."

"_Why not?!_" she cries.

"Did you do it...because of me?"

"I wont lie..." she said, her eyes glazed with tears. "Yes. But it was only fractional...My dad was threatening to kill my mom, and then he left home...Though it was probably for the better...All the ever did was fight anyway. There was a group of girls that constantly picked on me, too...and my cousin, Ai, who went off to war...Mom and I found out he'd been killed. There were also a lot of other things imprinted in my mind, too, but this is all recent...just from these past few days...and finding out that you were going out with..."

"I broke up with her," Keiji says softly.

"What?"

"I broke up with her...Just last night. When you told me how you felt about the guy you loved, I knew I didn't really love her. She'll always be a friend, and so I waited a few more days...Still, I don't feel that strongly for her." He pauses. "But...I do feel that way for you."

Hoshiko stares, unsure of what to say. Then, it hits her, that Keiji still thinks she's in love with someone else.

"No, I..."

"Hoshiko, you're awake!" Hoshiko's mother darts to the bed, and embraces her. "Oh...don't you ever do that again...Please...Promise?"

"I'm sorry, Mom..."

"PROMISE!" she screeches, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"I promise...I promise."

"Thank you," she sniffles.

"Mrs. Tanaka..." One of the nurses peeks out from behind a door.

"JUST GIVE ME A SECOND!" she screams, crying harder.

"Yes, Ma'am."

She hugs Hoshiko again. "I'm going to go talk to the nurse really quick, okay?" she says.

"I'll be fine," Hoshiko smiles, as her mother walks away.

"Umm..." She and Keiji lock gazes.

"Keiji, I..."

"I'm sorry...You should sleep a bit. Please...I'll wait here for you."

"But...I...Okay," Hoshiko sighs, laying her head back down on the pillow.

I've got so much courage now...But he thinks I'm after someone else...How did I get myself into this? What if he runs whenever I try to talk to him? What if he never knows at all? What if I never have the courage to say anything after this? I've got to...

"I'll be right back...I need some time to think." Keiji gets up to walk out of the room. "Take it easy from now, 'kay? If you need me...I'm here."


	8. Chapter Eight: Troubled Minds

Chapter Eight

"Hoshiko...Hoshiko, please come out of there..."

5/23  
Mom thinks I need to see a psychiatrist...I don't want to, and I've told her four times, but she wont listen. Why do parents always have to be so persistent? I'm not at school right now, but I'm going back on Monday. That's gonna be a nightmare...What if everyone knows?

"Mom, I already told you, I don't want to," she complains, irritated.

"But you promised—"

"I _promised_ I wouldn't try and commit suicide again. Not that I'd see a psychiatrist once I was out of the hospital," she interrupts.

Her mother sighs heavily from the other side of the locked door dividing them, and gives up. "Okay, then..." She walks away.

5/26  
Hey, just got up...Kinda nervous about going to school...Saying everything in fragments, aren't I? Gonna have to confess to Keiji today, or I might not be able to again...If I can get people to leave me alone, of course...Better get going. Laters.

"Bye, Mom, see you after school!"

Hoshiko rushes out the front door, butterflies already playing a game of tag in her stomach. Anxious to rid herself of her nervousness, she runs half of the way there.

Out of breath, she reaches her first period class slightly early, grabs her instrument from a cubby, and takes her seat.

"Hoshiko..."

"Keiji!!" she exclaims, standing up. "Hey, can I talk to you?" she asks nervously.

Most of the class files into the room just as the starting bell rings.

Mrs. Christie gets up from her desk and steps toward the front of the room. "Everyone take out Pirates of the Caribbean," she says with a smile.

"Sorry...Talk to me after class," he says before walking over to his seat.

Hoshiko stares after him as she takes out her violin and music.

"Hey, what did you want to talk to me about?" Keiji walks alongside Hoshiko in the hall.

"Oh...th-that! Ummm....Well I'm not really thirsty, but..." she begins, her head too clouded with thoughts and heart too weighted with emotions for her to say what she wants.

"Excuse me?" he peers at her, confusion crossing his face.

"Nothing! Nothing at all...Good evening, Keiji." She disappears into next class.

5/26  
Apparently, no one knows what I did after the concert...No one asked about it, or anything. And...what a nightmare...I told Keiji I wasn't very thirsty, then bade him good evening before walking into my second period class. This is too crazy for me...Anyway...Mom's calling...Dinner.


	9. Chapter Nine: Pressured Lies

Chapter Nine

5/29  
I've pretty much managed to avoid Keiji...But I don't know how much longer I can keep at it...We'll see...

"Hey, Hoshiko," a girl in her class walks up to her desk. It was the girl Keiji broke up with. "I heard that...Keiji likes you, was it?"

"Err...Well, I—"

"You stay away from him," she hisses. "A girl like you never deserved someone like Keiji...And I know your secret...what you tried to do," she continues.

"Wh...what do you mean?" Hoshiko acts as if her suicide attempt never happened. _What else could it be?_

"And I saw the blood on the bathroom floor, too, saw Keiji hold you as you passed out. You should have died. You sure has hell deserved to." She gives a small, tight smile as she awaits Hoshiko's response.

"No..."

"Don't pretend...You tried to commit suicide...And if you don't stay away from Keiji, I'll tell everyone. Then maybe I'll kill you myself. They'll think it was you." The girl smirks, starts to turn around, but stops. "Actually..."

There's a slight pause, and Hoshiko stares at the ground, afraid of what she'll stay next.

"I want you to tell him...that you can't love him back, that you never will. Then you stay away. Find somebody else...But I'll never let you take Keiji away from me." She glares with a cold bitterness, and storms off.

(_diary_)  
Lovely. Just lovely. This is SO FUCKING STUPID! If I don't tell Keiji that I can't love him back, the girl he broke up with the night I tried to kill myself will tell everyone what I did, because she said she saw. So even if I do get the courage...I can't tell him. She also said that she might kill me herself if I didn't stay away...This...sucks...

"Hoshiko...is something wrong?"

She had hardly noticed Keiji walk up to her once school was out, but she quickly tries to wipe away her tears.

"Keiji...I can't love you back," she sobs. "I'm so sorry..."

In a flash, she's gone, leaving Keiji in a daze, standing alone.

((ahh...sorry that was so short .))


End file.
